Sometimes - even blunt directness does not achieve the desired or necessary results...
Sometimes - a Lady learns a valuable lesson that even though there are close bonds -
Sometimes a Lady only has herself to depend on.
This Lady has discovered that - and ultimately has decided to lock up those troubling things that bothered her, forget those assignemts given to assist in her confustion, and do what she does best.
Love is always strong, but sometimes, even a Lady must stand alone.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Stuffs
I've forgotten about this, then remembered, then forgotten again.
Today, I've remembered again, and after reading a series of books am glad I've remembered about this.
People are strange creatures.
The series of books are short - but have elicited some very strange and intense feelings in me. Anger, Fear, Uncertainty, Frustration, Concern - just to name a few.
I was sent these ebooks from a very very dear kitten whose friendship I will always treasure. After reading them, I was left wanting to speak to her about them, speak with an angel about them, and speak to the author.
Spoke with the kitten about them - and she was not very enlightening.
Cannot speak with the angel about them because he is away and has been given a vacation from all things D/s while he's away. (painfully difficult - but apparently necessary)
Cannot speak with the author - these books are not even listed on the authors website, and it turns out that somewhere during the authors life, Christianity became a huge influence.
That leaves me still quite a jumble of heavy emotions.
This is why I am suddenly glad to have remembered this blog. Here shall be my outlet for these emotions.
First - my angel was supposed to read these for me, but due to situations, that did not happen. Penance has been dealt in that I have read them alone and he does not have the privilege of reading them to me. He does, however, now have to read them - alone. That is an instruction.
The reading of the first book had me.... intrigued.
I had my own strange fantasies and thoughts and desires growing up - but I had a very twisted childhood so this does not surprise me. I've been able to trace back every one of my fantasies and desires to their source. It's who I am and what I do. I self-analyze EVERYTHING.
This book touched on some of those fantasies and desires. I was eager to read more and see if this author and I shared additional ideas or where these books were going.
My curiosity turned into confusion, and surprise.
The second book was not nearly as well written as the first (and that's not much considering I felt the first was written fairly poorly but did get the ideas out). It took some intense twists that I was neither prepared for, nor found believable.
The third book left me feeling shocked, confused, concerned, angry - very very angry, and still found them simply not believable from a people aspect.
I talked briefly with a precious kitten regarding these books, but felt her agitation as I was trying to understand. I was trying to learn what it was about the story that fascinated her with such the intensity she shared them with me. I was willing to rp some scenes with her to see where they went, but her agitation caused me to let her be instead.
Part of me knows why these books frighten me so.
I AM capable of being as hard and cold and cruel as the Masters and Mistresses in these stories.
I AM capable of breaking a persons soul.
If one person can write such the writings - - - - - - - -
Then there are others who dream of those very situations and scenarios.
Part of me refuses to acknowledge what else lies beneath the surface.
I AM breakable.
I have been broken once.
I am not so arrogant as to believe I cannot be broken twice.
I simply refuse to allow myself to be in a position that would cause such a breaking.
============================================================================
There are other things I have such an intense need to discuss and get out of my system before I burst - but an angel returns from his vacation tomorrow - and returns to my collar Wednesday.
Tuesday I will be away working with lovely girls teaching them, guiding them, spoiling them.
Wednesday I will be able to talk about everything that's been weighing on my heart, and on my mind. Things that cannot be shared elsewhere because all things eventually become public here.
For tonight, I must rest and attempt to put these thoughts out of mind.
Today, I've remembered again, and after reading a series of books am glad I've remembered about this.
People are strange creatures.
The series of books are short - but have elicited some very strange and intense feelings in me. Anger, Fear, Uncertainty, Frustration, Concern - just to name a few.
I was sent these ebooks from a very very dear kitten whose friendship I will always treasure. After reading them, I was left wanting to speak to her about them, speak with an angel about them, and speak to the author.
Spoke with the kitten about them - and she was not very enlightening.
Cannot speak with the angel about them because he is away and has been given a vacation from all things D/s while he's away. (painfully difficult - but apparently necessary)
Cannot speak with the author - these books are not even listed on the authors website, and it turns out that somewhere during the authors life, Christianity became a huge influence.
That leaves me still quite a jumble of heavy emotions.
This is why I am suddenly glad to have remembered this blog. Here shall be my outlet for these emotions.
First - my angel was supposed to read these for me, but due to situations, that did not happen. Penance has been dealt in that I have read them alone and he does not have the privilege of reading them to me. He does, however, now have to read them - alone. That is an instruction.
The reading of the first book had me.... intrigued.
I had my own strange fantasies and thoughts and desires growing up - but I had a very twisted childhood so this does not surprise me. I've been able to trace back every one of my fantasies and desires to their source. It's who I am and what I do. I self-analyze EVERYTHING.
This book touched on some of those fantasies and desires. I was eager to read more and see if this author and I shared additional ideas or where these books were going.
My curiosity turned into confusion, and surprise.
The second book was not nearly as well written as the first (and that's not much considering I felt the first was written fairly poorly but did get the ideas out). It took some intense twists that I was neither prepared for, nor found believable.
The third book left me feeling shocked, confused, concerned, angry - very very angry, and still found them simply not believable from a people aspect.
I talked briefly with a precious kitten regarding these books, but felt her agitation as I was trying to understand. I was trying to learn what it was about the story that fascinated her with such the intensity she shared them with me. I was willing to rp some scenes with her to see where they went, but her agitation caused me to let her be instead.
Part of me knows why these books frighten me so.
I AM capable of being as hard and cold and cruel as the Masters and Mistresses in these stories.
I AM capable of breaking a persons soul.
If one person can write such the writings - - - - - - - -
Then there are others who dream of those very situations and scenarios.
Part of me refuses to acknowledge what else lies beneath the surface.
I AM breakable.
I have been broken once.
I am not so arrogant as to believe I cannot be broken twice.
I simply refuse to allow myself to be in a position that would cause such a breaking.
============================================================================
There are other things I have such an intense need to discuss and get out of my system before I burst - but an angel returns from his vacation tomorrow - and returns to my collar Wednesday.
Tuesday I will be away working with lovely girls teaching them, guiding them, spoiling them.
Wednesday I will be able to talk about everything that's been weighing on my heart, and on my mind. Things that cannot be shared elsewhere because all things eventually become public here.
For tonight, I must rest and attempt to put these thoughts out of mind.
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