Putting this in writing for both our references not only to keep it sane and logical, but this way, when My memory fails me (yes, I will admit.. I am of the age when memory is an issue sometimes)
For behavior that makes me beam with pride - my angel earns stars. The happier I am with his behavior, or his activity the more stars he earns to a max of 5 stars per event.
These stars can be used as bargaining chips.
Should I fit him with a punishment - he may use a star to lessen the punishment a step or cash in enough stars to avoid the penance completely.
These stars may also be used towards trainings should he choose - only AFTER asking me if he can cash in a star per hour of training.
Perhaps - we can work a balance after all even through the distances we face.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Lessons in Dominance and Submission
Learning I am more Dominant than I first thought was a surprise - and not an overly unpleasant one. I've learned how to truly enjoy this aspect of life, and having a wonderful playmate to explore with is even more enjoyable.
What do you do when you discover that playmate isn't as submissive as he himself believed himself to be?
You take a step back and look objectively at everything.
Can Dominance and submission be a part time lifestyle?
For some, I'm sure it can be. For me, I don't seem to have the ability to be part time. Each time I try, I find my Dominant nature to extend to all aspects of our life causing conflict between us.
How do you tell your submissive he's not as submissive as he believed himself to be?
Not easy considering I've been telling him that for the better part of a year and he isn't believing it - yet the conflicts are still there to tell otherwise.
Anywho - enough of my rambling..... off to pack and prep and who knows what else.
What do you do when you discover that playmate isn't as submissive as he himself believed himself to be?
You take a step back and look objectively at everything.
Can Dominance and submission be a part time lifestyle?
For some, I'm sure it can be. For me, I don't seem to have the ability to be part time. Each time I try, I find my Dominant nature to extend to all aspects of our life causing conflict between us.
How do you tell your submissive he's not as submissive as he believed himself to be?
Not easy considering I've been telling him that for the better part of a year and he isn't believing it - yet the conflicts are still there to tell otherwise.
Anywho - enough of my rambling..... off to pack and prep and who knows what else.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Acceptances
Sometimes - even blunt directness does not achieve the desired or necessary results...
Sometimes - a Lady learns a valuable lesson that even though there are close bonds -
Sometimes a Lady only has herself to depend on.
This Lady has discovered that - and ultimately has decided to lock up those troubling things that bothered her, forget those assignemts given to assist in her confustion, and do what she does best.
Love is always strong, but sometimes, even a Lady must stand alone.
Sometimes - a Lady learns a valuable lesson that even though there are close bonds -
Sometimes a Lady only has herself to depend on.
This Lady has discovered that - and ultimately has decided to lock up those troubling things that bothered her, forget those assignemts given to assist in her confustion, and do what she does best.
Love is always strong, but sometimes, even a Lady must stand alone.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Stuffs
I've forgotten about this, then remembered, then forgotten again.
Today, I've remembered again, and after reading a series of books am glad I've remembered about this.
People are strange creatures.
The series of books are short - but have elicited some very strange and intense feelings in me. Anger, Fear, Uncertainty, Frustration, Concern - just to name a few.
I was sent these ebooks from a very very dear kitten whose friendship I will always treasure. After reading them, I was left wanting to speak to her about them, speak with an angel about them, and speak to the author.
Spoke with the kitten about them - and she was not very enlightening.
Cannot speak with the angel about them because he is away and has been given a vacation from all things D/s while he's away. (painfully difficult - but apparently necessary)
Cannot speak with the author - these books are not even listed on the authors website, and it turns out that somewhere during the authors life, Christianity became a huge influence.
That leaves me still quite a jumble of heavy emotions.
This is why I am suddenly glad to have remembered this blog. Here shall be my outlet for these emotions.
First - my angel was supposed to read these for me, but due to situations, that did not happen. Penance has been dealt in that I have read them alone and he does not have the privilege of reading them to me. He does, however, now have to read them - alone. That is an instruction.
The reading of the first book had me.... intrigued.
I had my own strange fantasies and thoughts and desires growing up - but I had a very twisted childhood so this does not surprise me. I've been able to trace back every one of my fantasies and desires to their source. It's who I am and what I do. I self-analyze EVERYTHING.
This book touched on some of those fantasies and desires. I was eager to read more and see if this author and I shared additional ideas or where these books were going.
My curiosity turned into confusion, and surprise.
The second book was not nearly as well written as the first (and that's not much considering I felt the first was written fairly poorly but did get the ideas out). It took some intense twists that I was neither prepared for, nor found believable.
The third book left me feeling shocked, confused, concerned, angry - very very angry, and still found them simply not believable from a people aspect.
I talked briefly with a precious kitten regarding these books, but felt her agitation as I was trying to understand. I was trying to learn what it was about the story that fascinated her with such the intensity she shared them with me. I was willing to rp some scenes with her to see where they went, but her agitation caused me to let her be instead.
Part of me knows why these books frighten me so.
I AM capable of being as hard and cold and cruel as the Masters and Mistresses in these stories.
I AM capable of breaking a persons soul.
If one person can write such the writings - - - - - - - -
Then there are others who dream of those very situations and scenarios.
Part of me refuses to acknowledge what else lies beneath the surface.
I AM breakable.
I have been broken once.
I am not so arrogant as to believe I cannot be broken twice.
I simply refuse to allow myself to be in a position that would cause such a breaking.
============================================================================
There are other things I have such an intense need to discuss and get out of my system before I burst - but an angel returns from his vacation tomorrow - and returns to my collar Wednesday.
Tuesday I will be away working with lovely girls teaching them, guiding them, spoiling them.
Wednesday I will be able to talk about everything that's been weighing on my heart, and on my mind. Things that cannot be shared elsewhere because all things eventually become public here.
For tonight, I must rest and attempt to put these thoughts out of mind.
Today, I've remembered again, and after reading a series of books am glad I've remembered about this.
People are strange creatures.
The series of books are short - but have elicited some very strange and intense feelings in me. Anger, Fear, Uncertainty, Frustration, Concern - just to name a few.
I was sent these ebooks from a very very dear kitten whose friendship I will always treasure. After reading them, I was left wanting to speak to her about them, speak with an angel about them, and speak to the author.
Spoke with the kitten about them - and she was not very enlightening.
Cannot speak with the angel about them because he is away and has been given a vacation from all things D/s while he's away. (painfully difficult - but apparently necessary)
Cannot speak with the author - these books are not even listed on the authors website, and it turns out that somewhere during the authors life, Christianity became a huge influence.
That leaves me still quite a jumble of heavy emotions.
This is why I am suddenly glad to have remembered this blog. Here shall be my outlet for these emotions.
First - my angel was supposed to read these for me, but due to situations, that did not happen. Penance has been dealt in that I have read them alone and he does not have the privilege of reading them to me. He does, however, now have to read them - alone. That is an instruction.
The reading of the first book had me.... intrigued.
I had my own strange fantasies and thoughts and desires growing up - but I had a very twisted childhood so this does not surprise me. I've been able to trace back every one of my fantasies and desires to their source. It's who I am and what I do. I self-analyze EVERYTHING.
This book touched on some of those fantasies and desires. I was eager to read more and see if this author and I shared additional ideas or where these books were going.
My curiosity turned into confusion, and surprise.
The second book was not nearly as well written as the first (and that's not much considering I felt the first was written fairly poorly but did get the ideas out). It took some intense twists that I was neither prepared for, nor found believable.
The third book left me feeling shocked, confused, concerned, angry - very very angry, and still found them simply not believable from a people aspect.
I talked briefly with a precious kitten regarding these books, but felt her agitation as I was trying to understand. I was trying to learn what it was about the story that fascinated her with such the intensity she shared them with me. I was willing to rp some scenes with her to see where they went, but her agitation caused me to let her be instead.
Part of me knows why these books frighten me so.
I AM capable of being as hard and cold and cruel as the Masters and Mistresses in these stories.
I AM capable of breaking a persons soul.
If one person can write such the writings - - - - - - - -
Then there are others who dream of those very situations and scenarios.
Part of me refuses to acknowledge what else lies beneath the surface.
I AM breakable.
I have been broken once.
I am not so arrogant as to believe I cannot be broken twice.
I simply refuse to allow myself to be in a position that would cause such a breaking.
============================================================================
There are other things I have such an intense need to discuss and get out of my system before I burst - but an angel returns from his vacation tomorrow - and returns to my collar Wednesday.
Tuesday I will be away working with lovely girls teaching them, guiding them, spoiling them.
Wednesday I will be able to talk about everything that's been weighing on my heart, and on my mind. Things that cannot be shared elsewhere because all things eventually become public here.
For tonight, I must rest and attempt to put these thoughts out of mind.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Beginnings
How did I become interested in this lifestyle?
For what seems like forever, I was vanilla. I had no interest in bondage, pain, servitude, nor dominance. Not because I didn't understand it, simply because I was never exposed to it.
I joined an online game and became aware of a whole new world where people wore collars, were dragged around naked on their knees, abused for their leash holders pleasure. This distressed me and I became curious as to why people would allow themselves to be treated so poorly.
I began talking to the people I was most distressed for, and learned they FELT they DESERVED nothing better. This distressed me even more. I became determined to treat these souls better than those who led them. Through my gentleness, I earned the trust and loyalty of many, but that wasn't my goal. My aim was to make them feel better about themselves, and liberate them from the need and desire to be abused.
Time went by, people changed, I changed. I became more and more distressed by people being abused and treated poorly. I became more and more angry that people could hurt and abuse people like that. I left that world, and severed many ties simply because I had enough of people mistreating people, and people allowing themselves to be mistreated.
Over the next few months, one of the friends I made in that other world offered to introduce me to a new world. I had always felt fondly towards this person, and flirted pretty intensely with him. I trusted him, so I joined him in that world.
Shortly after joining him, he invited me to meet a friend who was of the lifestyle, but wanted to experiment with the other side. This was my first personal experience with Dominance as he introduced me as Mistress and informed the woman on the bed she was to serve me.
I was fairly unsteady, but didn't want him to be made a fool of, so I rolled with it, and played Mistress. I was not the cruel abusive woman that so many in the other world were. I could never be that kind of person. I enjoyed the feeling of power inside as I manipulated her to doing whatever I wished so long as it didn't demean or demoralize her.
It was shortly after that experience he and I talked about it. I enjoyed it. I learned he was submissive and enjoyed watching me play the Dominatrix. Over the next week our relationship changed, and he gave me complete control over himself. This was very new to me. I felt an awe unlike any I have ever known. I also felt a sense of power unlike anything I had ever felt before. Something else happened. Something deep inside began to awaken and I didn't know it.
Someone came to this new world from the old world.... and whatever it was inside of me that was awakening, shriveled up in fear. I became nothing more than a simpering and foolish woman who put herself back in a bad place. I felt an obligation to this person, but thought that feeling of obligation was love. I thought I was in love with this person only to discover, I really wasn't. I felt he needed someone to care for him. I thought I was the right woman for that job. I thought I could make this person care about something again.
I learned I was wrong. I also learned I didn't like to admit defeat.
I lost a great friend, a loyal submissive, and all contact with a great person while learning I was so very wrong about many things.
When things seemed darkest, another wonderful friend who managed to get himself into scrapes of his own chose to join me in this world. I had tried several times to brush him off, and push him away over the course of years. He too was from the first world. He was one I didn't understand, but I knew I loved, and I knew I needed to protect.
Obligation to him made me keep him close to my side.
I knew his sense of devotion to me was deep. I let go of many bonds that were forming because I didn't want to hurt this one any more than I had over the previous years. I pretend to be happy that he was my one and only. Inside, I felt a great fear that I would let him down and that I would hurt him, again.
It wasn't long after he came to keep me company that I grew to rely on him just as I had in the other world. It felt natural for him to be at my side. My love for him changed from that of a guardian to that of a close friend, but still I felt a personal distance was necessary.
It took pretty much a bludgeoning by friends for me to trust love again. I opened my heart just a small bit, testing the waters so to speak. He took that small wedge and filled it with a deep and unconditional love unlike I had ever known. That small wedge to a heart half ice and stone became a broad opening filling with more love than I ever felt before. My heart that I thought for sure should be small, ice, and stone grew soft.
He already knew he enjoyed being a bottom. I'm convinced he's not as submissive as he thinks he is. We've explored D/s together, and I've learned much about us both.
He wears my collar.
While he wears my collar, however, I do not have complete control over him. I do not press the issue. There is alot of distance between us, so I do not try to exert my authority over him outside of our evening games.
I cannot imagine not having him so close to me. I cannot imagine not being his Mistress. When I feel Dominant, and I do exert that power, I sense a great joy from him, and that joy can't be described in words.
If ever you have watched a child's face light up at heartfelt praise from a parent or other adult, then you have just a small inkling of the joy I feel from him as he submits himself to me and my will.
I have never felt so loved in all my life. Not as a child, nor as a wife, nor as a mother. This man who has offered himself to my collar makes me feel incredible, and capable of doing anything. I have always felt a need to protect him, yet, through his love, when I am in his arms, I feel sheltered and protected.
I have never felt I could let my guard down and relax completely. With him, I can, and do. No greater feeling has existed than his desire to care completely for me. When he bathes me, all my stresses wash away with the dirt. When we caresses me, all my doubts of anything vanish and I am lost in the moment. When he massages me, my body tingles and each muscle begs to be the next his fingers touch. When we share intimacy, he makes it his passion to give me the ultimate pleasure.
The smile on his face, and in his eyes when he completes each of these shows the truth to how much he enjoys serving me.
When I share my power and strength with him, a fire burns deep within him that shines in his eyes and comes through in his kiss. When I pin him beneath me, forcing my will over him, the smile could not be any bigger nor his pleadings to be used by me any louder. His fire burns hottest when I am feeling most Dominant, and that matches the fire deep inside me that I thought was burned out completely.
He has re-awakened what I thought was gone for good. Together, we find a great passion, and an even more intense love through our bonds as Lady and boy than we did as just friends and lovers. That bond only promises to grow more intense in our future together as husband and Wife added to our bonds of Mistress and sub.
He is Mine. I am his. Though distance keeps us apart, Time promises to bring us together again. Even through our physical absenses, our bonds grow stronger and unseverable. From his arms, I'll never stray any more than from my collar would he.
For what seems like forever, I was vanilla. I had no interest in bondage, pain, servitude, nor dominance. Not because I didn't understand it, simply because I was never exposed to it.
I joined an online game and became aware of a whole new world where people wore collars, were dragged around naked on their knees, abused for their leash holders pleasure. This distressed me and I became curious as to why people would allow themselves to be treated so poorly.
I began talking to the people I was most distressed for, and learned they FELT they DESERVED nothing better. This distressed me even more. I became determined to treat these souls better than those who led them. Through my gentleness, I earned the trust and loyalty of many, but that wasn't my goal. My aim was to make them feel better about themselves, and liberate them from the need and desire to be abused.
Time went by, people changed, I changed. I became more and more distressed by people being abused and treated poorly. I became more and more angry that people could hurt and abuse people like that. I left that world, and severed many ties simply because I had enough of people mistreating people, and people allowing themselves to be mistreated.
Over the next few months, one of the friends I made in that other world offered to introduce me to a new world. I had always felt fondly towards this person, and flirted pretty intensely with him. I trusted him, so I joined him in that world.
Shortly after joining him, he invited me to meet a friend who was of the lifestyle, but wanted to experiment with the other side. This was my first personal experience with Dominance as he introduced me as Mistress and informed the woman on the bed she was to serve me.
I was fairly unsteady, but didn't want him to be made a fool of, so I rolled with it, and played Mistress. I was not the cruel abusive woman that so many in the other world were. I could never be that kind of person. I enjoyed the feeling of power inside as I manipulated her to doing whatever I wished so long as it didn't demean or demoralize her.
It was shortly after that experience he and I talked about it. I enjoyed it. I learned he was submissive and enjoyed watching me play the Dominatrix. Over the next week our relationship changed, and he gave me complete control over himself. This was very new to me. I felt an awe unlike any I have ever known. I also felt a sense of power unlike anything I had ever felt before. Something else happened. Something deep inside began to awaken and I didn't know it.
Someone came to this new world from the old world.... and whatever it was inside of me that was awakening, shriveled up in fear. I became nothing more than a simpering and foolish woman who put herself back in a bad place. I felt an obligation to this person, but thought that feeling of obligation was love. I thought I was in love with this person only to discover, I really wasn't. I felt he needed someone to care for him. I thought I was the right woman for that job. I thought I could make this person care about something again.
I learned I was wrong. I also learned I didn't like to admit defeat.
I lost a great friend, a loyal submissive, and all contact with a great person while learning I was so very wrong about many things.
When things seemed darkest, another wonderful friend who managed to get himself into scrapes of his own chose to join me in this world. I had tried several times to brush him off, and push him away over the course of years. He too was from the first world. He was one I didn't understand, but I knew I loved, and I knew I needed to protect.
Obligation to him made me keep him close to my side.
I knew his sense of devotion to me was deep. I let go of many bonds that were forming because I didn't want to hurt this one any more than I had over the previous years. I pretend to be happy that he was my one and only. Inside, I felt a great fear that I would let him down and that I would hurt him, again.
It wasn't long after he came to keep me company that I grew to rely on him just as I had in the other world. It felt natural for him to be at my side. My love for him changed from that of a guardian to that of a close friend, but still I felt a personal distance was necessary.
It took pretty much a bludgeoning by friends for me to trust love again. I opened my heart just a small bit, testing the waters so to speak. He took that small wedge and filled it with a deep and unconditional love unlike I had ever known. That small wedge to a heart half ice and stone became a broad opening filling with more love than I ever felt before. My heart that I thought for sure should be small, ice, and stone grew soft.
He already knew he enjoyed being a bottom. I'm convinced he's not as submissive as he thinks he is. We've explored D/s together, and I've learned much about us both.
He wears my collar.
While he wears my collar, however, I do not have complete control over him. I do not press the issue. There is alot of distance between us, so I do not try to exert my authority over him outside of our evening games.
I cannot imagine not having him so close to me. I cannot imagine not being his Mistress. When I feel Dominant, and I do exert that power, I sense a great joy from him, and that joy can't be described in words.
If ever you have watched a child's face light up at heartfelt praise from a parent or other adult, then you have just a small inkling of the joy I feel from him as he submits himself to me and my will.
I have never felt so loved in all my life. Not as a child, nor as a wife, nor as a mother. This man who has offered himself to my collar makes me feel incredible, and capable of doing anything. I have always felt a need to protect him, yet, through his love, when I am in his arms, I feel sheltered and protected.
I have never felt I could let my guard down and relax completely. With him, I can, and do. No greater feeling has existed than his desire to care completely for me. When he bathes me, all my stresses wash away with the dirt. When we caresses me, all my doubts of anything vanish and I am lost in the moment. When he massages me, my body tingles and each muscle begs to be the next his fingers touch. When we share intimacy, he makes it his passion to give me the ultimate pleasure.
The smile on his face, and in his eyes when he completes each of these shows the truth to how much he enjoys serving me.
When I share my power and strength with him, a fire burns deep within him that shines in his eyes and comes through in his kiss. When I pin him beneath me, forcing my will over him, the smile could not be any bigger nor his pleadings to be used by me any louder. His fire burns hottest when I am feeling most Dominant, and that matches the fire deep inside me that I thought was burned out completely.
He has re-awakened what I thought was gone for good. Together, we find a great passion, and an even more intense love through our bonds as Lady and boy than we did as just friends and lovers. That bond only promises to grow more intense in our future together as husband and Wife added to our bonds of Mistress and sub.
He is Mine. I am his. Though distance keeps us apart, Time promises to bring us together again. Even through our physical absenses, our bonds grow stronger and unseverable. From his arms, I'll never stray any more than from my collar would he.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010 Musings
I look at 2009, and discover I've undergone several changes and growths. I've learned alot about myself, and about others. In learning these things, I face 2010 with bright spirits, new expectations, and fresh hopes.
Additionally - I begin the year with a new outlook. For example, I've discovered I have a strong side that I didn't know existed. I knew I was strong in situations requiring strength, however, this is a new and different kind of strength.
This strength comes from learning about my Dominant desires over others.
2010 begins with new promises, new hopes, and new realities. I face 2010 with defiance of anyone to try to knock me down, or get in my way of my dreams.
I hope 2010 brings renewed strength and hope to everyone who may need it.
I hope 2010 brings humbleness to those whose ego's are out of control.
Lady Sirena
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